Article on the Sibling Bond - Share Your Thoughts

I have two children. My ASD child is 3, and my other child is 8. My 8 year old is not ASD, but has ADHD and OCD. The 8 year old is very tolerant of her little brother. He doesn't like to be touched, and she is very affectionate. I have told her that she has to wait for him to hug her because if she hugs him without him wanting her to, he gets very violent, kicking, scratching, pulling her hair, even biting sometimes. He likes to play with her most of the time, but it is the same games over and over again. I can see she is getting bored or tired of playing the same games, (mostly tag and hide-and-go-seek), but she never tells him no. She is very mothering to him, looking out for him and making sure he doesn't get hurt. Unfortunately, she is the only one he does play with, besides me and his daddy. He goes to a communications lab at the public school work on his socialization skills. I have seen him in his class, where he is the youngest (others are Kindergardens thru 2nd grade), and he will talk to the other children only when the teacher tells him to and then he says only exactly what she tells him to. When we are out, he talks about the kids to me, but he won't talk to them. He doesn't like loud noises, so noisy kids scare him severly. To the point where we have to leave the playground. I think if he didn't have his sister, he wouldn't have any social interaction at all with children. Another issue with him is that he took an IQ test meant for 7 year olds, only stopping because the test ended and not because he couldn't go on. So I think that has a lot to do with him not wanting to interact with children his own age. On several occaisions children his age try to talk to him, but he doesn't understand them. He talks in complete sentences and says things like, "This book is too complicated, I can't remember the words." and "This game is difficult." He does have an imagination though, which benifits my daughter because she never played anything imaginary when she was his age, so now they play imaginary together (mostly pirates). So through all this, I think they have benifited each other. She protects him and he will stand up for her.

I want to start by saying you are all so inspiring. It amazes me the number of twin parents that have at least 1 ASD twin.

My name is Lissette, we have 7 kids. The boys are 18, 14, 13, and 10. The girls are 7 and 2 yr old twins. Megan was recently diagnosed as "high functioning" her twins sister Morgan is well, your typical 2 yr. old. M&M are very close, aside from being twins, I think Morgan can tell that Megan is "different" and even though Morgan can be quite bossy at times, she is very loving to her sister. Megan is also developmentally delayed and receives speech therapy and occupational therapy.

Morgan goes along with us and participates, just because she is there. It's so heart warming to see Morgan praising her twin sister when she succeeds in a task. She'll say: "Good job Megan." and then give her a hug. Megan doesn't let everyone touch her, sometimes, she doesn't want me to touch her but she's pretty receptive to being touched by her siblings.

Megan sometimes gets into her funks and doesn't want to deal with anyone around. Her 10 yr old brother, Shawn, seems to be the only one that can get her out of them. I don't know what it is about him but Megan always seems to beam and shine when he is around her.

I think the relationship between a child on the ASD and their siblings is very important in helping them cope with the outside world. I can attest that Megan's siblings are very protective of her when we leave the house.

Hello,

wow after reading all of your insights I must say I am amazed.

I think I am the only writter here who is not a parent, but a sibling of an autistic.

My mane is Christine, and I am 19 years old. My younger brother who is 16 years old has autism. I guess you could call me the typically deveoped sibling in comparason to Mike (my brother)

I am the middle child in my family of five, my older brother Andrew is 25,and he is also a typically developed sibling. My brothers and I have a special bond, much like what was discussed in this article. Mike does certian things with certian people, especially with me and Andrew. For example, Mike's verbalization increases when watching sports games with Andrew. He will read off scores, stats and dance around when the team scores, and say "oh man" when they opposing team scores. He will not do this if my parents are present, though its hard for them not to hear his cheering in his deep voice (usually when he speaks which isnt often, he speaks in a high falseto voice), yet his deep voice emerges when with Andrew.

Only recently has Mike accepted my presence when watching the Chicago Bears where he will talk and interact so deeply.

But I am Mikes only sister, and we interact differently then he and Andrew do. I tend to want to push him more. For example, I will know he wants something, and I'll know what it is, and if I know its something he can say, I'll tell him to "say it", rather then just noding or doing s gesture. A lot of our relationship is based on Mikes mood, and I have learned to read it within the 14 years of living with his Autism diagnosis. I approach him many times throughout the day in his room, because he rarely begins enteration as most autistics do. I sit on the bed and ask him whats up. Then I read his body language, if he churps and jabbers (gibberish usually with actual words mixed in that can be relevant or non-relevant) then I know he is receptive to my company, but if he does repetitave hand gestures, I know to back off, because if I push him, he might hit himself, or me.

It was hard when I was younger because I didn't understand his behavior like I do now. It was even harder seeing my mother and father hurting so much with frusteration from questions without answers.

I wanted to do things like a normal family, go to Disney Land or to a different restaurant. But we always had to consider Mike's needs, and yes, I resented him for that. We couldn't go to China Town for dinner because there wouldn't be chicken nuggets or catchup for Mike. We couldn't go to Disney because the rides would terrorify him. We couldn't have a dog because Mike would meltdown with animals. These little things were hard, yet I still had a very happy and balanced childhood. I don't know how my parents did it.

But for some reason, I felt that I needed to understand my brother's condition from a scientific view, allong with that I live with. So in 8th grade I did my first research paper on, of course, Autism.

It is six years later, and my active role in understanding autism has only grown. I read sites like these, I cry every time I watch the documentry "Every Day Autism".

I am the sibling of an autistic child, and my family is amazing. We support eachother.

My parents both work full time jobs, and I am a full time nursing student with a part time job.

Andrew recently moved out and is holding a full time job downtown, so in many ways we function like any other family.

We were all nervous how Mike was going to handel Andrew leaving home. When anyone in my family leaves for a day or more, Mike gets mad at us. He will not seek us out or look at us. Like when I went to Mexico for 5 days, Mike wouldn't talk to me for a week. But he gets over it and things go back to normal.

Often we wonder what will happen after my parents die. They are in their late 50's and Mike is already 16. Andrew and I are faced with decisions on what is best for Mike after my parents pass. They have voiced how they do not want Mike's needs to interfear with making our own families, but how can I ever not take responsibility for my brother?

I don't know if any of what I have shared with you makes scnce, or if it's helpful, but for the parents out there, don't give up. My family has come so far, we have made so much progress, its absolutely amazing. If you have other children who are typically delevoped allong with an autistic, let your other children help you. They understand more about their sibling then you might think. My mother and I support one another, especially because I am older, the relationship only strengthens.

Having Mike as a bother, just the wonderful way he is, is a blessing. I feel like he has helped me find my patience, my drive to help people, to laugh at goofey things, and not to take any of my skills for granted. I think I am as mature as I am because of him, because I was hit with the reality of "different" when I was only 5. It's an on-going growth for my brother and I, and the rest of my family.

I love my brothers, the 25 yr old accountant and the 16 year old goof ball Mike, who is caged by his autism, and I hope one day he will be set free.

Thank you for your time.

My 3 y/o son, who is the brother of boy/girl twins, is an Asperger's child. We are just beginning the "diagnostic" process- but I am certain about who my son is. His older siblings (15 and 12) are very empathetic and compassionate towards him and genuinely want to contribute to maintaining his sense of security and increasing his ability to communicate his needs to us. They share a special bond, as do I, with our unique "Aspie". As I said, I am new at navigating this world of professional assistance...but as much as I have read thus far (Tony Attwood and John Robison) and I already recoil when I see on this website all this talk of "curing" these children. Of course I want to help all my children grow and progress and gain independence, becoming contributing members of society. But I don't believe my son needs to be "cured". He is unique. His uniqueness also lends him to an amazing imagination, he is intensely loving towards his family, he has a highly developed sense of humor and he delights us in so many spontaneous ways that I see as coming from his personality which is enhanced by Aspergers. He is different, not defective.

Hi NatStelle. Welcome to IAN.

I just wanted to let you know that we are just now posting an article about the widely different perspectives on the word "cure" that exist in the autism community. You can find it here: http://www.iancommunity.org/cs/articles/the_c_word

After reading all the posts, I smiled for the first time in days. My 3 year old daughter is in the middle of being diagnosed with Autism. We recently had a new baby. My daughter wants nothing to do with her right now. When the baby cries she has a huge meltdown. She'll scream until the baby stops. Today I finally sat and cried because I thought I did something wrong. After some research I know that the babies cries hit a sensory issue due to her being hyper-sensitive. I am curious on how I can possibly resolve this, or if I can. All the posts here have given me hope. I can't wait to see the day when they do start playing and enjoying each other. There is a light at the end of the tunnel!

Hi Stephanie, and welcome to IAN.

It definitely is a challenge when a sibling is doing some behavior that drives your child with autism to distraction. There may not be a complete solution to a baby's crying, but whatever you can do to minimize the sensory issue would be helpful. (That might just be a closed door, or headphones and some music or nature sounds or a recording of a favorite cartoon or movie the child with autism does enjoy to block out the noise.) Time in a separate space, away from the noise, might help as well -- basically, a break at gramma's or at the park with dad or whatever is possible. These are just some thoughts.

One thing to keep in mind, too, is that there is some major adjustment taking place for even a totally normal toddler when a new baby arrives. Adapting advice on how to handle that to fit an older sibling with autism may also be helpful. For example, making some special "mom and me" time for the older toddler is often recommended. This likely still applies, as long as the special time matches the interests and abilities of the child with autism.

And, yes, as you have seen in this forum and elsewhere, children with autism and their siblings can and do build bonds with one another.

HiEveryone!

I am so glad I found this site. It has been so infomative!

I have three children, ages 9, 7, and 6. My two youngest boys are AS, with the middle also being dx as bipolar as well. Their older sister is wonderful with them! She sticks up for them at school, from children to adults. She helps them interact at stores and advocates for them at fundraisers. I have no idea what instilled this maturatity in her at such an early age, but I don't know what I would do without her.
My boys are as diffrent as night and day, the middle is tough, almost rigid in his activities, and rarly seems to enjoy life, where my other is so happy go lucky that the Dr.s are concerned that he is "to happy" They both have their little oddities but I can not even imagine my life any other way.
I know that their sister has played a big role in helping them learn social skills and other skills of daily living.
I never asked for this journey but I see the challenge as gift and I can never hide the excitment I feel everyday that one of my sons does or shows some kind of improvment.

Hi TwoSpecialBoys, and welcome to IAN.

It is so encouraging to hear how your daughter defends and helps your sons on the spectrum.

Because you mentioned a diagnosis of bipolar disorder, I thought I would point you to our report on issues of attention and mood (if you haven't seen that yet). There are so many children with autism spectrum disorders who also have been diagnosed with or treated for bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety, or attention deficit hyperactivity disorder:

http://www.iancommunity.org/cs/ian_research_reports/cooccurring_conditions_minireport_

Just wanted to pass along a link to a website of Hope Holman, a wonderful sister of an ASD boy, who has done much in the last couple years to raise Autism awareness in the Lower Eastern Shore area. She has written and recorded a song "Silent World" that has gained worldwide attention, that describes the challenges, and triumphs of her mother raising an autistic son as seen from the eyes of his sister. You can see a recent news feature on her at:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FoygdUfM848

she's also on myspace music at:

http://profile.myspace.com/395905462

I have three girls 11, 3, 10 months old, My three year old was just diagnosed with ASD, this is all fairly new to me. My problem now is trying to get my 11 year old to understand why my 3 year old throws major tantrums, and in my 11 year old opinion get's gets her way all the time. which isn't true, we do put my 3 year old on time outs when she acts up but because of her situation we are slightly lenient. My 3 year old is bossy, and likes things done her way and we are still trying to get used to that. i'm confused and don't know how or what to do. honestly we've only known about this diagnosis for a couple of months, although I've had a feeling since she was 1 that something was different. A lot has been piled on us at once, it's all happening so fast, did/does

anyone else feel this way?

Hi Mrs. Mamas, and welcome to the IAN forums.

I am sure many, many parents feel this way. Sibling issues can be very tough, especially when the sibling is not old enough to really understand what having autism means. The sibling may have their own issues with the other child before the diagnosis, and the diagnosis itself can feel a bit scary and bewildering...or even like it just made that younger sib even more special in the parents' eyes.

Often, siblings mature into different viewpoints about the child with autism. They may develop more empathy, or become protective of the sibling. What is undeniable is they have their own struggles surrounding the diagnosis and how it changes the dynamics in the family, and the demands on them. You might consider looking for a sibling support group for the 11 year old. These do exist, and usually consist of an entire group of sibs who can meet, and with the help of a therapist or other facilitator, air their feelings and experiences with other kids who are going through something similar.

Hello
I have a boy with ASD's and a girl who dose not. the girl is older by two years. She has a dominate personality and will try to over ride my boy or she will what seems to be interjecting her way of thinking into his spoken thoughts. This will cause a fight that so far has only escilated to a slap or light punch thrown between the two. But yet if someone out side of the family unit challenges one or the other they both will except the challenge as one, and will combime forces to meet the challenge. Yet when that has been resolved they are at each other again wheather it be picking, or a fullblown shouting match.The girl will try to inforce what she sees as right, or to explain a sequence to the boy who will counter I know and will only catch half of the instruction.Then windsup in a mess because he thinks that he knows it and he has just skimmed the surface.I generally takes seperating the two into different rooms or inside and outside. They can not work at a chore together, because the girl has no tolerance of lack of knowlege about the chore.Then the boy starts to whine and here goes the argument.

I think that it does help with social interactions in some ways. My oldest is 14 and has AS. His younger brothers are 11 and 9. I think having siblings has helped him learn to more confidently adapt to social situations ,positive and negative(he and his youngest brother have conflicting personalities). It has also taught my other to children to be understanding with people who have disabilities. I do however feel as though my typical children may feel as though the oldest steals all of the attention at times.It can also be frightening to them when he has his tantrums. Another problem is that he does very well in academics,it comes easy for him. So it can be disheartening for my other children when they bring home a "B" and I tell them I'm proud and they have their brother pipe up with "All you got was a B,I got a 100 on that it was so easy!" I think my typical kids could be depressed at times and have low self esteem at times because of the oldest. So not only do I have to take care of the oldest and make sure he's doing what he needs to do,I constantly am having to boost the others self-confidence and make sure they are ok.
Also,because my 14 year old is immature he will get into physical fights with my 9 year old. He doesnt hit him hard because honestly I dont think he wants to hurt him,he's just being immature. But I think what if he ever does hit him too hard etc. He has the body of a man and the mind of a child.

My 6-year-old son interacts very well with his 3-year-old NT (fingers crossed) sister. They're together all the time, fight as much as NT siblings as far as I can tell. I do notice sometimes that my son can't interpret my daughter's non-verbal signs of annoyance, interest, ... but he can be very sweet to her in his own ways, e.g. when she says she's thirsty he will rush off to get her something to drink, when she cries he will give her a hug.
As my daughter develops socially their bond could deteriorate, but so far so good.