Difficulty with emotions at school & with peers

Hi-

I am new to this site so forgive me if I am posting this incorrectly.

I have an 8 year old son who has high functioning autism. He is in a regular classroom setting and does very well. His symptoms are very mild. One problem we are having is that he still cries (loudly) when he has a problem. He is getting to an age where his peers are not so accepting anymore and some are pulling away.

A couple of quick examples: He was at an assembly with a large portion of the school. He was afraid a character was going to appear during this presentation because of a comment the presenter made (terrified of any characters/costumes), even though I had checked in advance and assured him there wouldn't be any. So as it is quiet in the gym, the comment was made by the presenter and of course he completely loses it screaming, crying, and I'm sure trying to flee the scene. Now to everyone else in the place they don't have a clue what brought this on.

Another example was at a friends house where several kids were playing with nerf guns and he felt that they were all "targeting" him at one time so he proceeds to have an outburst, throw the other boy's gun on the ground, etc.

A child fell on him while waiting for me to pick him up at school. Of course he is crying loudly and the boy makes fun of him and calls him a wimp.

He is becoming more aware of how people are reacting to him. He has realized that the friend whose gun he threw down is pulling away but I am sure he has no clue why. This was the only person he considered to be his best friend so he is heart broken. He was upset because the boy (who fell on him) made fun of him.

One of the only other things that really makes him "stand out" to others is hand flapping. This only occurs when he is excited (in a happy sense). I foresee this being something that children will begin to imitate or make fun of.

All in all he does really well. Has a great sense of humor and compassion. How can I teach him how to control these reactions. I am confident he can learn?

Sorry to be so lengthy.

Thank you soooo much.

Hi DeterminedMom, and thank you for your post.

I think many of the parents who have posted on our forum would relate to your experience. It does become hard as children on the spectrum leave the "little kid" stage and get a little older because their social deficits become more glaring just as their peers become less willing to accept them. (I often hear parents discussing how things get pretty tough around 3rd or 4th grade, especially for children with ASD spending most or all of their day in a mainstream classroom.)

The children with ASD are simply developmentally behind in the social arena, not matter what their IQ or other abilities. They do make progress, but it is often slow going. To keep from becoming discouraged, it is helpful to keep in mind that this is their core deficit, the one that defines ASD in the first place. If anything is going to be tough, this is.

One intervention often used to help individuals with ASD is social skills training. Many promising techniques have been developed, although unfortunately there is still little research to tell us which ones are the most effective. One research study, mentioned in a review of social skills research, found that even when a specific intervention wasn't that effective, the friendships formed in the group were very meaningful and important to the children participating - a factor that should not be underestimated.

(There was a very extensive discussion on this topic just the other day in this forum - see "Social Skills Therapy" under "Your Input on Research Topics.")

I invite parents to offer their insights. What have parents done when their child with ASD suddenly found their peers less accepting? How have you helped your child, and how have you coped yourself?

Hi Connie-

Thank you for your reply.

I have checked into social skills classes in our area in the past but unfortunately they do not seem to be that plentiful. So far the only one that I have found which is nearby is very expensive and they will not file any type of insurance. Of course I am willing to investigate further. I mentioned the possibility of a class being formed at his school and maybe I can press that issue a little further when the new school year begins.

I am in N.C. however and am currently getting paperwork into the TEACCH program. I am looking forward to the resources this program will provide!!

I was just wondering if there is any way to help him to control the episodes of crying. Apparently today he cried when he did not win a game on the playground. If anyone has anything to add on that end I would appreciate it sooooo much. I feel like I'm out of "tricks" at the moment.

Thanks again.

DeterminedMom, I'm glad that new resources may be in the pipeline. That is always good news.

Regarding the crying, a first step in figuring out any behavior is trying to understand what it is about or is communicating. Is the crying about rage, frustration, sensory overload, anxiety, or something else? Part of figuring out how to assist is understanding the "why." Sometimes parents can intuit this on their own; other times, a trained mental health professional may be able to assist with puzzling this out and recommend interventions to try.

How have other parents dealt with frequent tears or other emotional displays that were alienating peers? What did you understand to be the cause of the crying, and did anything help to alleviate it?

Hi -
My son is about to turn 13. He was first diagnosed at 7 PDD-nos and Asperger at 10. What your boy is experiancing sounds very familiar. 8 to 10 yrs seemed to be the most difficult time for the recognition of behaviors by peers. Our school was extreemly proactive in providing sensativity training to the students and staff but that only goes so far. Our district has an absolute Zero tollerance policy for bullying - making fun of someone is included in that. They take it very seriously. At 8 and 9 our son was assigned a peer buddy for transitions between class, lunch and gym to help prompt him to stay on task - but that seemed more like a punishment to the buddy at times. During auditorium or field trips an adult staff member or teacher took him under their wing. They learned it was easier if an adult was already there to anticipate the meltdown rather then be faced with the melt down when it was full blown.
Our boy did much better when he could sit near the adults or at their side during events and trips. He was more secure, loved the attention and had the opportunity to get to know and confide in the adult staff. Many great bonds were formed that followed him all through elementary school. Everyone just kept an eye out of him. Things still happened and not everyone cares to understand - but it certainly helped. He was also given the priviledge to remove himself - after telling the adult who was responsible for him - they set it up that he could always go to the office to guidance or the nurse to wait out the difficult time. Once he knew he could do that the melt downs were less and his anxiety decreased so that he didn't need to leave as often. Letting him know he could leave was 1/2 the battle.

My boy had many hunderd hours of social skills training and peer group therapy - privately and in school. With all that he could recite the text book answer to a situation and role play like a champ but until he was about 11 1/2 he couldn't apply it when the time came. We see an amazing improvement in his skills this past year. He knows to remove himself from a situation, time himself out and he does breathing exorcizes to relax when he's stressed.

There are many books available through Autism Speaks online. He benifited the most from the childrens self help books. We read them together - they describe those odd or negative behaviors in a way that might help your child see himself in the mirror.

You'll never change the opinion of the onlookers. We taught our son to not focus on them but to focus on himself and his own happiness. 8 to 10 were the most heartbreaking for me to see him alienated, hurt and shut out of activities. With age the gap doesn't seem to be as big.

At 10 we put him in after school activities and camps for kids with similar difficulties. It enabled him to make friends with kids who shared the same problems and their siblings were also much more understanding. It was very hard for me to let him go and we turned the agency and staff inside out
before I let him go. But he really needed to have relationships and experiances that did not include our family. That was the best thing we ever did for hi. I wish you all the best!

nanc2758-

Thank you SO MUCH for your post. You have provided me with some very much needed advice. I really do appreciate any help I can get at this point. This is the part that I have dreaded for years because it is heartbreaking. I can live with accepting him for who he is . . . I just could live a lot easier if I knew how to get him from the present time to a time where peers aren't so focused on his differences. The thought of him being unhappy due to these reasons for X number of years is almost more than I can take. Any specific tips on teaching him how to focus on himself and his happiness would be appreciated.

Thanks again!

If anyone else has any suggestions at all, I am open to them!!