Tony Attwood's Article on Romantic Relationships

In his article, "Romantic Relationships for Young Adults with Asperger's Syndrome and High-Functioning Autism," Tony Attwood describes the challenges and gifts of individuals with autism spectrum disorders when it comes to love and romance. Discuss here!

I can tell you it was very difficult being undiagnosed and having no clue what was going thru a woman's mind. Everyone jokes about women being on a different planet, but it must be worse for us. Even after I married at 29, I was clueless how she really felt. My lack of Theory of Mind caused me to be blissfully unaware of how unhappy she was and how unattentive I was to her feelings.
I haven't read his article, but I have often wondered how different dating and relationships would have been if I had known about autism as a teenager. Would it have crippled my already sagging confidence, or given me the knowledge to better train myself for such a daunting task of finding a mate?

After reading the different disorders I have concluded that my brother-in-law has Rett Syndrome. Although he is labeled as Autistic everyone in my husband's family has not discussed the actual disorder or symndrome that my brother-in-law has. He has just turned 22 years old and my mother-in-law is pushing my brother-in-law into getting into a relationship with any woman she can. She feels that he has a need to be loved and wants to have a wife and kids. However, my brother-in-law does not have Asperger Syndrome or is not even high-functioning. How can I get through to her to make her realize that this is not something that is reasonable for him. My husband and I will be taking care of him when my mother-in-law passes away and I don't feel it is right that she expects us to take care of him and an extra family. Please tell me what I can do!

Hi ag5998, and welcome to IAN.

As a research project, and having no real knowledge of the situation, I'm afraid we can't really tell you what your family should do for your brother-in-law, although one thing that would be helpful is to see if he has a real diagnosis made by a professional. It is actually unlikely he has Rett syndrome, as that occurs mostly in girls. See: http://www.iancommunity.org/cs/about_asds/rett_syndrome

Another issue is: at 22, is he under guardianship or an independent adult? If his mom is his guardian, I'm afraid his care is ultimately her decision, although other family members can certainly give their opinions.

If there is a firm diagnosis on the autism spectrum, you may want to contact local advocacy organizations for information or support. The Autism Society of America, for example, has local chapters that often offer support groups for families of children on the autism spectrum, for adults on the spectrum, or for families of adults on the spectrum. See: http://www.autism-society.org/site/PageServer?pagename=community_chapters

One last thought: if your brother-in-law's situation is causing conflict for the family, and the topic is too hard to work through without assistance, you might want to consider seeing a family therapist who could help moderate a family discussion about the situation. That way, you could share your concerns with your mother-in-law, she could share hers, etc. If he is able to participate, your brother-in-law could share his, too. (I have no idea from your post how able he is socially, emotionally, or cognitively, but if he has opinions about his own life and choices, those should definitely be taken into account.) One place to find listings of Marriage & Family Therapists is the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) website: http://www.aamft.org/

loozianaman wrote:

I can tell you it was very difficult being undiagnosed and having no clue what was going thru a woman's mind ... I was clueless how she really felt.

loozianaman,

Beating yourself up for past failures won't change the past. Instead of focusing there, you can begin to make up for lost time by focusing on today. Now that you know what the problem is, there are steps you and your wife can take to have a happy life together. One thing to keep in mind is that since you now know that you can't accurately read or sense her feelings, you need to listen carefully to what she says, be gentle with her, and don't dismiss her comments as nonsense.

Often men with ASD live in a task centered, people-less world, and consequently avoid socializing with others, even their own spouse and children. Women tend to live in a social world, their conversations tend to focus on social topics, which can drive an ASD husband into a coma. If you can learn to try to pay more attention, and she can learn that you have limited attention in these areas, it may help you two to bridge a communication gap that may exist in your relationship.

In your world, social relationships bring you a lot of pain and discomfort. In her world, social relationships define who she is. Women need close friends just like we need air to breath. Allow her to have social time with her girl friends. If you don't, you might find yourself married to a woman who is on the verge of insanity.

Don't give up, work together to find solutions to any social breakdowns in your relationship, and be patient with each other.

ag5998 wrote:

He has just turned 22 years old and my mother-in-law is pushing my brother-in-law into getting into a relationship with any woman she can. She feels that he has a need to be loved and wants to have a wife and kids.

ag5998,

Pressuring anyone with ASD into a relationship is always a huge mistake. It's true that people with ASD need to be loved just as much as everyone else. However, people with ASD often view relationships in a converse manner as the rest of society. Where you might view the relationships with your friends based on degrees of how much joy they bring into your life, someone with ASD will view their relationships with others based on the degree of pain within the relationship. They often find themselves picking friends based on who causes them the least amount of pain rather than who brings them the most joy, for the simple reason that they have so much difficulty relating to others that they find few relationships that bring them real joy.

Consequently, it's very hard for someone with ASD to find the right mate. By the end of the day they often find themselves finding more peace by going to an empty home rather than being forced to live under the same roof with someone who "loves" them but who is totally unable to relate to them or communicate with them.

Your brother-in-law needs to be allowed to make this decision himself. It's doubtful that any relationship he's pressured into will work.

*****

After thinking about this post I need to add in something that I originally omitted because it can be extremely controversial. It's the subject of love as it relates to relationships.

In my own situation, I know that my parents love me. Behaving consistent with that, they decided to do what was best for me. In my case they decided what was best for me was that I become someone else. So they've spent my entire life trying to will me into becoming an outgoing, gregarious, personable person, none of which I'm capable of doing. When I turned 18, they decided to impress upon me just how firm they were in their stand that it was much better for me if I become someone else, so they threw me out of the house and made it clear that I wasn't welcome back, not even for a visit.

Long story short, love as seen through the eyes of an autistic person often becomes redefined as the meanest and most hurtful people I ever deal with are the ones who love me, because they are bent on forcing me to be and do what I simply can't.

Based on this foundation, I would say that trying to find your brother-in-law someone who loves him is the wrong approach. If he is going to have a relationship that eventually leads to marriage, it needs to be with a girl who understands his strengths and weaknesses, is capable and willing to live with them, and who can relate to him on his level. Love isn't the magical cure if it's missing understanding and acceptance.

God bless

I know how difficult it can be to try to have a relationship when you have a child with autism. I can only imagin how hard it will be for my son when he gets older and interested in a relationship. Is it possible the Both boyfriend and son have asd? Hmmmmm Sometimes I wonder Because they seem to be unable to really feel happy and always look for a way to "just get by" Is that an acurate description?

Hi kaliki55, and welcome to IAN.

As people learn about ASDs, especially how they appear in higher functioning individuals, they often begin to wonder if certain people of their acquaintaince might be on the spectrum. Sometimes they may wonder about a colleague, a neighbor, or even a spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend.

One place you can learn more about the spectrum is on our website. Two especially helpful sections are:

About ASDs: http://www.iancommunity.org/cs/about_asds/

Challenging Behaviors: http://www.iancommunity.org/cs/challenging_behavior/

We also have a section focused on adults with ASD: http://www.iancommunity.org/cs/adults/

WOW!
I am so surprised there is not more interest in discussion on developing a romantic relationship with an AS partner. I would REALLY like input and am willing to GIVE input.

Hi tenderheartbear, and welcome to IAN.

I see you were hoping to see more discussion on this topic, and wanted to let you know that there may be more on some of the websites specifically focused on adults with ASD. For example:

www.wrongplanet.net
(they've got a whole "Love and Dating" forum)

SingleWithAutism.com
(This is brand new, so I don't know much about it, but clearly the idea is to help people on the spectrum who want to make friends and/or find romantic partners hook up with other people.)

I'm sure there are other discussions underway online, and other friendship or dating sites focused on people with ASD, but this is a start. There are also books on the topic, if you might be interested in those. You could look through the titles available at any of these autism-focused publishers:

Jessica Kingsley Publishers: http://www.jkp.com/

Autism Asperger Publishing Company: http://asperger.net/

Future Horizons: http://www.fhautism.com/

Thank you. I will definitely check these out

The problem with people living with any mental disorder is how they think, and guess what it isn't much different from anybody else who doesn't have a mental disorder,we all have the feeling of fear, being humiliated, or failing or succeeding at anything. THATS LIFE FOR ALL OF US!ITS WHEN YOU ARE DOING SOMETHING AND YOU START TO BE AWARE OF YOURSELF AND IT HAPPENS, YOU FAIL AGAIN.
I was diagnosed at age six as retarded and my childhood experiences will back it up. All my abilities to feel sad, joy, happy, fell fear, being humiliated, feeling sorry, compassion or apathy was washed away after a near drowning at age six. Yet, here I am today with feelings nd emotions, my wife of 30 years is loving it.
You need to stop blocking what your brain is send you. As a child I didn't like people to touch me, age nineteen when my wife first touched me, I had no feeling or thought and never recalled any memory to think about her. From age 27 to 38 I had learned how to think about things and then relate to it with a plan, this worked in place of feelings. In my early 40s something started to work and today I no longer have to think first, A new feeling will cause a new emotion to come out to help me with my situations. Think about it a new born baby can relate to facial expressions. Lerning not to think is very important, this can block what the brain is doing to make things right, like rewiring the brain.
My psychologist said. I don't know how you did it, but, you have been able to rewire brain.

Hi arustyc, and welcome to IAN.

Thank you for sharing your story with us. It is incredible to hear of such progress being made when your situation as a child was so grim. It is also encouraging to hear how progress continued to be made well into your adulthood.