Article on the Sibling Bond - Share Your Thoughts

I have 3 children. My oldest, Thomas, is 6 and has been diagnosed high functioning on the spectrum. I've noticed his social age is about that of his younger sister, Charlotte, who is 3 years old. When he was a baby, he preferred to be left to his own devices. If I picked him up to redirect his attention, he'd get angry. He was a late talker. His early motor skills were the only thing that kept his doctors from diagnosing him lower on the scale.

When our daughter, Charlotte, was born, Thomas started talking more and actually interacting with her and other children. The difference was phenomenal! It's not always positive interaction, but at least it's something. Since then, we've had another daughter, Samara, who is now a 13 months old and Thomas has blossomed even more. I look forward to watching them all grow up together and seeing how things turn out. I'm glad we decided to continue on and have more children because I don't think Thomas would have half to social skills he has now.

I have a typical 14 yr old daughter and an 8 yr old son who is newly diagnosed with ASD. My daughter has always been a bit jealous but since we have gotten formal diagnosis she has been even more jealous, how do I help her understand, especially when he wants little to nothing to do with her? She tries to hug/kiss him, but he just stands there or pushes her away, its frustrating to her and us as well...any suggestion would be appreciated!!![/i][/b][i]

Hi my2hbos, and welcome to the IAN Community Discussion Forum.

Many siblings of children with an autism spectrum disorder (ASD) struggle to make sense of it. Many go through the same things your daughter is experiencing, including jealousy over the attention the affected child seems to get and frustration or hurt when their brother or sister doesn't respond to them as they hope they will. There are "Sibshops" around the country -- support groups just for siblings of children with special needs that help them understand they are not alone in their struggles: http://www.siblingsupport.org/about/copy_of_index_html

They have just started a program specifically for teens, as well: http://www.siblingsupport.org/about/connect/sibteen-facebook-group-and-yahoogroup

Education is part of the solution because it will help your daughter understand that her sibling has a brain that is wired differently. Often, once a person learns that someone with autism has their own way of being, and that you have to connect with them on their own, unique terms...a very warm relationship can develop. (Actually, it's kind of the same thing that parents learn when they have children with ASD - "Floor Time," for example, involves learning to follow the child's lead, enter their world, and connect -- a major aspect of intervention for any child with ASD.)

To help your daughter, you might download the Autism Speaks' "A Sibling's Guide to Autism": http://www.autismspeaks.org/family-services/family-support-tool-kits#siblings

Another suggestion: get the HBO "Temple Grandin" movie and watch it with your daughter. (Temple Grandin was the first person with ASD to give voice to what it's like to have ASD. The movie does a beautiful job of bringing the viewer into Temple's world.)

I hope this information proves helpful, and wish you and your family all the best.

Thanks Connie! I will bookmark this and check out the links later, right now seems like this tantrum is headed toward a breakdown for me and a meltdown for him! this site is so awesome!!

Hope the meltdown is over soon...and peace is restored. I know it can be totally exhausting.

Welcome again to the site!

Thanks, it lasted about 2.5 hours at which point he cried/screamed himself to sleep....what a nite!!!!

I'm so sorry to hear what a rough night that was. As I posted elsewhere - sometimes families need professional help to assess the "meltdown" situation and work towards reducing the frequency and intensity of these distressing episodes.

You might be interested in this article: http://www.iancommunity.org/cs/therapies_treatments/child_psychiatry_and_autism

In it, the author recommends considering getting some help when you see:

1. An increase in the child's episodes of loss of control
2. Appearance of physical aggression toward self or others
3. Verbal escalation that evolves into uncontrollable screaming
4. Prolonged verbal and physical rages
5. Fear is another primary motivating factor. Are you fearful of the child and his or her behavior with siblings? Is the hair on the back of your neck standing on end when the child's behavior escalates? Do you ever wonder how long you can go on living like this?