Hi turtledove, and welcome to IAN. :) I can't tell you how many parents have shared this experience. You are definitely not alone. You might want to take a look at our articles on family stress, where other parents are quoted about this: Part 1 focuses on child-related factors, like behavior: http://www.iancommunity.org/cs/ian_research_reports/ian_research_report_april_2009 Part 3 includes a section on social isolation (which often results from child behaviors), but also discussed the resilience of these families: http://www.iancommunity.org/cs/ian_research_reports/ian_research_report_sept_2009 I recently saw a button worn by a child with autism that said, "I have autism. That explains my behavior. What's your excuse?" I'm sure his parent had experienced exactly what you are talking about - a very painful, critical remark or look from a stranger who did not recognize autism when they saw it.

Re:The Most Stressful Thing Is...

Fred A. Lonniam — GMT

blessedmom wrote:

I would say the most Stressful and frustrating thing is that certain Teachers who have no clue the life of the child of Autism lives and how the parents live. Some think that because they teach different children, or have taught certain students with Autism that they are experts! Not ALL children with Autism, Asperg's or PDDNOS or etc. are the same. Certain teacher's think because your child is running around the classroom and quoting movie dialoge clearly re-inacting a Thomas the train movie- that they are merely pretending. It's not stimming or autism they say. The way they act, is meet with it's because they are a only child. The food aversion's, they are just picky eaters and he would eat what I provided or not eat they say. Is the stimming, not eating, uncontrolled outbursts, boss like behavior or not understanding danger, toileting issues etc. bad? Certain people with blinders on seem worse to me. I feel so sorry for people who are made to second guess their ability as a loving parent because some teacher's just simply are unwilling to listen. I have provided many book's on Autism to teacher's and it is always meet with a stern look, and a reply of Thank you for the information. I haven't found what work's in this situation yet. Hopefully as I learn the process I can become more helpful. Never doubt that you are a GREAT parent and children with whatever disability are the true BLESSINGS in all of this and they come 1st no matter what anyone says. We know and live the life we live with Autism. People add stress, along with the battles of Insurance com and etc. Not Autism in my opinion.

I'm so glad I could be of help, kcovert, and I hope you can find some other moms who have been through this to speak with. You may have to dig a little, as often the people going through the worst experiences tend to self-isolate and maybe not speak up even if they go to a support group. Still, if you try online groups (Cafe Mom has an ASD group, and I know there are also Yahoo groups focused on ASD) or if you try local support groups, you can put it out there. Sometimes, if one person just tells their story, then the others who have been through something similar will be able to jump in, too. For local support groups, you might check with your local chapter of the Autism Society of America: http://www.autism-society.org/ (Enter your state under "Resources Near You.") Another possibility is to contact the Autism Speaks' Autism Response Team: 888-288-4762 or familyservices@autismspeaks.org Another thought: does the residential facility your son is at have any groups for parents? I hope you are able to find all the help and support you need soon.

Re:The Most Stressful Thing Is...

MarleneH — GMT

Things have always been difficult, but over the past two months it seems that I have not been able to bear them as well as in the past. I am a single mother and have two sons one (typically developed) will be 18 on 7/2 and the youngest (on the spectrum) is 6. My 6 year old can be the sweetest child ever and at the same time can be unbearable with outbursts and tantrums. Medications have helped a great deal but he still has major outbursts and tantrums. I used to be able to handle it so much better than I have been lately. My oldest son is always caught between my dealing with the youngest and backlash from me because he isn't doing what he should be or is involved in what ever situation I am trying to diffuse. I too feel like I have failed both my boys and myself. I don't have a life and haven't worked since May of 2008. There has been so much loss (job, car, family time, and time for me). When it is suggested that I attend support groups with other parents dealing with autism, it isn't so easy because transportation is difficult. I do attend a women's PTSD group on Mondays at the VA(I am a 16 year Army Vet) but will miss that due to transportation issues or conflicting appointments for my youngest. It is so overwhelming and the only support I get from people is telling me I have a tremendous amount of patiences and am doing a good job. Trying to get respite care has been tedious to say the lease. DDA states there isn't an urgent need and so we are prioritized as having future needs. It helps to know that I am not the only person feeling this way.

Re:The Most Stressful Thing Is...

Connie (IAN Staff) — GMT

Hi MarleneH, and welcome to IAN. :) I'm so sorry to hear how stressful and overwhelming everything has been, and continues to be. I think many parents who have walked what can be a long, hard road will understand your sense of exhaustion. It makes it even harder when resources are limited, and just getting places is a struggle. Going through other major transitions at the same time you are coping with your younger son --like your older son being on the brink of adulthood-- just adds to the load. I hope you will resist the tendency to think of yourself as a failure when you can't manage every aspect of life perfectly, all the time. The load is staggering, and it takes its toll. There is a different kind of courage and endurance needed to just keep going in these situations, and nobody makes it through without snapping at people, not being able to be in perfect balance when every difficult situation comes up, saying things they regret, etc. I have a child on the spectrum myself, and I truly do understand. Maybe online support of some kind would be helpful, especially because transportation is a problem. There are groups on Cafe Mom and Yahoo for parents of children with ASD, for example. In any case, I hope you are able to cut yourself some slack as you make it through this difficult phase, and that things improve as your older son transitions to the next phase of his life and your younger son continues to grow and mature. Often, children with ASD who have outbursts do finally "peak" and begin to have less as they begin to benefit from therapies (such as meds, behavioral interventions, frustration management) and as they mature. I know several teens with ASD, for example, who had constant outbursts in elementary school or even early middle school, but have few or none now. If you do find you need any kind of local resource, from support groups to therapy providers, you may want to contact the Autism Speaks' Autism Response Team: 888-288-4762 or familyservices@autismspeaks.org